I’m arachnophobic. Not *quite* to the degree some are, I am not paralyzed with fear at the very sight of them… (for long). Far from it, I RUN. With fear. I climb on furniture and implore nearby cats to vanquish it. With fear. Or at least, valiantly swat and scream with fear until the tiny monstrous intruder into my life is deceased. I’ve been known to suck them up into the vacuum cleaner, also.
However, there is that tiny little paranoid core deep down inside that says the spiders know. They KNOW. And one of these days… they’ll get me.
Allow me to set the scene. It is a bright, sunny Saturday. I have been enjoying my morning working out on my XBox Kinect (fabulous device, that.) My Sister and Hubby have come down as well, and we’ve decided to visit the local brewery for lunch.
This, of course, means I must have a shower before appearing in public. Off I go to the bathroom, draw back the shower curtain, and yelp at the sight of a HUGE, BROWN/BLACK, CREEPY SPIDER SITTING IN MY TUB!!
THIS IS NOT OKAY.
Okay, calm down. I don’t dare try to smoosh it with something, it might jump at me and crawl up my arm and bite me! Ridiculous, you say? Just you watch! It’ll happen some day!
Instead, I am saved by the fact that… it’s in the tub so at least it can’t run at me. I would have shrieked like a little girl for my uncle to come and kill it, but he was sleeping. So I had to pull on my big-girl panties and take care of it myself. I – with not a complete lack of guilt at killing the critter – decide to just wash it down the drain.
Which I did.
…with lots and lots of water to ensure it was good and washed down. Because if it isn’t, it might crawl back out of the drain while I’m taking a shower and bite me! And it would be justified in doing so, I freely admit! Paranoid? HA! JUST YOU WATCH! IT’LL HAPPEN SOME DAY!
So I take a shower with one eye constantly peering at the drain, or the over-flow, because, after all, there’s a trap on the drain, I don’t think it’s actually strong enough to push that up to get out, but it might crawl up the pipe and out the over-flow.
I manage to fully cleanse myself, even if I never came closer to the drain than a full foot, and let me tell you, shower paranoia regarding spiders crawling out of drains and biting your feet is far more imminent and nerve wracking than Psycho with a knife shadow on the shower curtain paranoia ever could hope to be!
Still, as you may notice, since I’m sitting here writing you this story, I did survive the shower. (Barely… it was touch and go there for a while.)
I told my sister the story (who is also very arachnophobic) and we laughed about it over beer and burgers.
So, dear reader, you may be saying, ‘See? Nothing happened. Just being paranoid. That spider couldn’t possibly have survived to crawl back out of the drain after being washed down for the whole time you were in the shower.”
OH, BUT WAIT!
Because Sunday, as I’m busy in the kitchen making pies and plum butter and all sorts of other goodies, my uncle comes in and I start telling him my harrowing brush with death in the shower – and he is, of course, getting a very good chuckle out of it.
He then tells me when he took a shower, THERE WAS A FREAKIN BIG BLACK SPIDER IN THE TUB!
IT CRAWLED OUT AND WAS WAITING FOR ME!
I AM NOT CRAZY! I AM NOT PARANOID! THAT DAMN SPIDER CRAWLED BACK OUT OF THE DAMN DRAIN AND WAS GOING TO EAT ME NEXT TIME I WENT TO TAKE A SHOWER!
Next time you think about laughing at someone’s arachnophobia, just remember, they can crawl out of the bathtub drain and GET YOU.
Oh, I also found out that brown recluses like to hide out in things like bed sheets.
Next available shuttle, I’m moving to Mars.
Update: And just in case you still think I’m paranoid, or even perhaps exaggerating just a touch… I just took a shower. And what should be waiting for me on the freakin counter when I step out!?